Tied In Knots.

In honor of the many (many, many) friends and family taking the plunge and tying the knot this summer, I have prepared a small list of things that tie my stomach in knots.

Heights

They absolutely kill me for some reason. I feel perfectly safe in an airplane, but go to a water park and wait in line on a rickety, wood and metal scaffolding tower, and I lose it. Same goes for the first minute of basically any roller coaster. Flying around in loops is no big deal, but that slow, clicky, hill to the top that gives me ample time to contemplate the painful ways I'm going to die... not so good. I will never bungee jump, its not worth the mental torture I would put myself through.

Aging

For some reason in the last year, my aging has begun to make me nervous. I don't think 25 is old, but realizing I'm closer to 30, than to 20, is a little shocking. Its less about getting older and more about, "When did this happen?" and "When will my life reflect my age?" Those questions make me uneasy. I probably have some deep rooted failure issues, but I also probably failed to recognize them. Its kind of a nice psychological catch 22 to have.

Live Performances

For those that would consider me someone who lacks compassion, I can honestly say, that of all the things that put a knot in my stomach, none compare to watching other people perform live. I have no idea why you would ever want to perform something in front of people live, especially things that are meant to stir emotions (be it drama or comedy). Basically any teenager in a play or singing, and any comedian, are at the highest risk of total disaster. I don't cringe because its bad, I cringe because I can't imagine whats going through their head as they get no laughs, or forget their lines. Plus, what do you say to them afterward? There's nothing you can say, they did a bad job.

Asking Out Girls

I don't mind talking to girls, I don't mind asking them out. Its the whole to-do after you ask them out that I despise. Call me a pessimist, but every time I go out with a girl, I instantly imagine how terrible the fights are going to be and how disappointing the eventual breakup will turn out. I haven't even been on a first date yet and I'm thinking about how miserable I'm going to be throughout the whole relationship. That reminds me, I need a "plus one" for all these summer weddings I'm going to. Hit me up.

Confrontation

Anyone who can't relate to having their stomach in knots before a confrontation is either a masochist or way too egotisitcal, so just saying it should be enough.

English Is Dumb.

They're thankful their stuff was still there.

We're where we were.

You're on your own.

Read the book on reeds.

I wouldn't try to learn our (non-official) language if I came here. Give people a break.

A Thing I Like, And A Thing I Don't IV.

I like, nay, LOVE, girl scout cookies. There are many reasons to love them, the foremost being their exceptional taste and quality. There is nothing quite as satisfying as biting into a cold Thin Mint, maybe the fresh morning air atop Mount Everest is comparable? But even that, does not bring with it the refreshing chocolately surge. Tag-a-longs, with their perfect blend of cookie crunch, chocolate and peanut butter, even as they spread the rows out and remove cookies from the box; I do not feel robbed, only blessed to have eaten them. Samoa's, shortbread, do-si-dos. They're all one of a kind. But its not just their impeccable creation and flavor, oh no, its their rarity. Being unavailable for a large portion of the year turns these cookies into rare delicacies. At the mere mention of it being girl scout cookie time, you keep cash in your wallet just in case there is vested girl outside the grocery store (the only outside-a-grocery-store goods hawking I appreciate). And even after you bought some boxes from her, when you catch wind of your friend's child, or co-worker's niece selling them, you get in on the action. There is no time to waste. They must be stockpiled. And in the end, there is no feeling bad, because it all goes to an excellent cause. They are the perfect thing.

I don't like people who fish for sympathy or praise. (Fishing the "sport" is also something I do not enjoy, in case you were wondering.) Have you ever bumped into someone you haven't seen in a while, and when you ask how they are, they say something like "Today's my birthday!" They are instantly dead to me. Why would you tell me that? What do you expect from me in that situation? The sympathy people are just as bad though. "Well, the doctors found a funny lump in my abdomen." Dude, we're in Alberstsons and I haven't seen you in like 6 months, are we going to do medical history right here in frozen goods? Now, don't get me wrong, its not that I don't want them to be joyful about their birthday, or that I'm not sorry about their lump, but even happy and sick people can be self-centered, attention whores. In fact, those people tend to revel in their illness and mediocre events (such as birthdays) because they know that those things can turn any discussion into one about themselves. Its just like bloggers, they are totally fishing for something in their inane, one-sided, self-serving posts. I can't stand those people.