A Thing I Like, And A Thing I Don't II.

I very much like Emma Stone. She is quickly moving up the depth charts. Its as if God saw Lindsay Lohan's collapse and gave us a replacement. They are both fairly average girls. That is to say, they aren't super models (although Lindsay ended up with the drug habit of one). They have a girl-next-door (not the gross Playboy ones) kind of look and feel. Only, Emma is choosing great roles. I'm not a Superbad super fan, but she was good in it. Zombieland was fun. She really stole the show on that one. I expected Woody Harrelson to be the same character he's been for the last twenty years, and I expected Jesse Eisenberg to be Michael Cera, but Emma Stone was really wonderful. She's also suppose to be in the new Spider-Man movie. So, good luck to you Emma Stone. Stay clean.

I don't like urinals without guards between them. First, let me just say, that it is completely crazy to not have urinal guards in every bathroom in the world. There is no way it is that expensive to screw a board into the wall 3 or 4 times. It is completely inexcusable. I wear sandals. I don't need another man's pee on my bare feet. Maybe if my foot was attacked by a jellyfish before entering the bathroom I would be more welcoming to the idea of getting urinated on, but seeing how that has yet to happen, I'm going to throw my support behind urinal guards. And, let us not forget those men out there that choose to pee with their hands in their back pockets while they lean back and whistle. I don't need to have your... hanging chad, in my peripheral, thanks though.

Me and Adam Sitting In A Tree, W-I-S-H-I-N-G.

  “This disposition to admire, and almost worship, the rich and the powerful, and to despise, or, at least, to neglect, persons of poor and mean condition, though necessary both to establish and to maintain the distinction of ranks and the order of society, is, at the same time, the great and most universal cause of the corruption of our moral sentiments.”

-Adam Smith, The Theory Moral Sentiments 

There's a bit of a debate going on these days regarding the extension, or lack thereof, of the Bush era tax cuts for the wealthy. Proponents of extending the tax cuts will say, that taxes for the wealthy are too high already. That the wealthy will spend the money, (you know, on Japanese TVs and European vacations) which helps put people to work and stimulates the economy (just not ours). Those who are not wealthy, would save the money or spend it paying down debt, (you know, that thing that keeps banks rolling in dough) or if they must, on feeding babies. Extending tax cuts for the people that were just bailed out with tax dollars seems insane to me, but it got me thinking once again on the bigger idea of capitalism and American society.

My problem with capitalism is the same problem Adam Smith had in 1759. Capitalism requires that some are rich and some are poor. It functions on the fact that there is a top and bottom. Not everyone can be a millionaire, and if we were, I would hate to see how the rest of the world was coping with that. Capitalism actually makes the "American Dream" impossible for some, that's disappointing, but not my point. 250 years ago, Adam Smith, a father of capitalism and a name in every school history book ever written, acknowledged that the rich are responsible for the lively hood of every person living in capitalist society. He wrote:

“Every individual is continually exerting himself to find out the most advantageous employment for whatever capital he can command. It is his own advantage, indeed, and not that of society, which he has in view. But the study of his own advantage naturally, or rather necessarily, leads him to prefer that employment which is most advantageous to the society.” 
(Wealth of Nations)

and

 “How selfish soever man may be supposed, there are evidently some principles in his nature, which interest him in the fortunes of others, and render their happiness necessary to him, though he derives nothing from it, except the pleasure of seeing it" (The Theory of Moral Sentiments)

See, Adam Smith believed in man. He believed that the wealthy would give of themselves, because a healthy and happy society would benefit them. The truth is that the wealthy lock themselves up in extravagant homes and communities, they disconnect themselves from the realities around them and create their own society. They compete with one another to have the biggest home, the most ridiculous car and to throw the most absurd party. They act charitable, as if a movie star giving away money to Haiti then showing up on "Cribs" the next day with a pure gold toilet and three Ferraris is really all that impressive. I think perhaps the idea in that final Smith quote is quickly fading.

Capitalism is the best system we have come up with, I can't dispute that. It has immense potential for good. There is so much wealth coming from the free markets. But there is a huge gap. How can it be, in 2010, that not every person on the face of the planet has access to running water, roads and free education? I recently saw a news story regarding $800,000 of stimulus money going towards a UCLA research grant with the ultimate goal of educating African men on how to wash their genitals after sex, to avoid spreading disease. Most of the commentary on this article I have seen, is criticizing the use of tax dollars for such a purpose. When I read that, I couldn't believe we are developing 3D TVs, yet in Africa, they are struggling to learn how to wash themselves to avoid the spread of disease. I guess subsidizing the corn industry (you know, cause there's not much market for corn, seeing how its only in everything you eat and giving us all coronary artery disease at the age of 8) is a better use of tax dollars.

Capitalism is failing the least and the marginalized. Adam Smith sure had it right, wealth is the "great and most universal cause of the corruption of our moral sentiments." Tax cuts for the wealthy? How about we take that money and start an "Educating The Wealthy" grant to teach them how to be human again. Although, maybe the real lesson is, that if you are reading this, you are the world's wealthy, and we should all be a little ashamed.

What's Your Status?

Here's the thing. Some of you have a knack for terrible Facebook status updates. In order to hopefully save you, but more importantly, me, from these updates. I have provided a guide, by which all Facebook posts should adhere.

1. Links are acceptable. If you find something from another website interesting, chances are one of your actual friends will think so also, and your link will fascinate another person. Which is really the whole point after all.

2. Quoting yourself is bad. The moment you quote yourself, the first thing anyone thinks is, "That's a little bit self-absorbed." If you were funny the night before, let it be for that place, in that time, with those people. We weren't there, its not as funny, and you come across as a bit of a narcissist.

3. Stop. Stop with the vague references to bad days, sick people and all things seemingly soaked in depression but without explanation. I know you're fishing for someone to ask, we all know you're fishing for someone to ask... except for that person who asked.

4. Don't ask about someones vague references to bad days, sick people and all things seemingly soaked in depression but without explanation on their status updates.

5. If you give a rundown of your day (try not to) and its more than two sentences, we get that you're probably tired and going to bed. Everyone who has ever done three or more sentences worth of information in one day is always tired and going to bed. At this point in social networking, you can leave that bit out.

6. We on Facebook like pictures. Post them. Tag people though. We like to explore pages of people we have never met. The moment Facebook lets you track who visited your page is the moment Facebook dies. Anonymity is the only thing keeping the internet alive.

7. Shouldn't even need to be said, but if you play a Facebook game religiously, we have no respect for you as a Facebook user. You demean the purpose and annoy those of us that would prefer to never know about your fake crops.

If these guidelines are followed, there's a good chance people won't hide you and forget you exist. When we're trying to be social, alone in our bedrooms, these things can become quite a hindrance to us.

The Name Game.

Its full swing into the Meramble birthday season. We hit all 4 of our birthdays between August 16 and October 30. At dinner for my Dad's birthday last night, my brother had mentioned baby names that would most certainly be vetoed by whoever decides to make an honest man out of him. (Godspeed Wrench.) I don't remember the full list, but one of the names was Hendrix, which is kind of okay. Although he did name a short lived (it didn't die, just found a new home) puppy, Hendrix, a few years back, so that does take away from the name a little bit.

No offense to my parents, but my name is as bland as white rice. (It should be noted that I could not think of a cliched bland thing, so I asked my mom, shes still in her room coming up with ideas, I went with the rice. I also maybe forgot to mention what I was calling bland. Thanks Mom.) Michael John is just about as popular now, as it was when the Roman's controlled the world. It really doesn't have much flare to it, and you probably know half a dozen people with my name, if not more. Freshman year of High School, they had the brilliant idea to organize locker assignments by first name. I was in the middle of about four Michaels on each side of me. It was not okay.

Anyway, this got me thinking about what I would name my children. Some of you are laughing at the thought of me with children, I am too. But eventually, someday, these names will go to my offspring. It will be understood to the woman who marries me, (again, with the laughter) that she will have all kinds of free reign on our lives, except with this. They are:

Berkley - For a girl. The idea that my daughter will be called Berk is pretty great. Nobody has ever liked this name, ever. I think the best I got was, "It sounds like a dogs name." The dog in You've Got Mail is Brinkley. Whatever. I'm sticking with it.

Wyatt - For a boy, maybe a girl. Its a cool dudes name. For a girl, it kind of works, right? Maybe not. Either way I think I need to go a little more cowboy for it to work, something I'm not opposed too. Cowboy boots are uncomfortable, maybe I'll just get a horse or something.

Emma - For a girl. The name exudes class. Just a lovely, classy lady. This girl respects her father.

Jack - For a boy. Baby Jack is really something. Adult Jack, I'm still a little iffy on. I'll be dead by then, so what do I care anyway.

I would never have more than two kids, so I see no reason to continue on. Unless three people with these names commit terrible war crimes in the next couple decades, I should be fine.

I Guess I Do After All.

I have hit a road block. I have nothing to say right now, nothing to complain about. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have plenty to complain about, just not stuff I want to air out on a blog. Plus, I'm not looking for a pity party. Anyone that knows me would know pretty quick that partying isn't exactly my strongest attribute, so those of the pity variety are equally repulsive.

On that note, why must we always party? I hit this age where everything has to be party. Being sober and having to talk to drunk people is the worst. Just the worst. They get far too close for comfort, because they are suddenly freed from their natural impulse to not touch people. They don't smell good, something that is amplified by their proximity to me. Beer doesn't smell good to begin with, add that to snack breath (and for some people, their regular breath) and its just terrible. The conversation itself is too loud, because they have lost their ability to control volume, not only on themselves but also on the stereo, which has slowly risen as the night progressed.

They always ask why I'm not drinking, when a quick look in the mirror could answer that question without me ever having to be involved. However, I do enjoy that I can almost say anything to them and they will forget it immediately or not get it to begin with, a small pleasure in an otherwise unbearable situation.

Its not just parties with alcohol, you can ask any of my 3 dates in 3 years to the high school dance, I was not the guy you take to an event when the whole purpose was dancing. I went to a club once, a combination of excessive drinking and dancing. It was fun for the most part, my issue was that I don't listen to Top 40, so it was hard to fit in with the crowd when I had no idea I was suppose to throw my hands up and yell out the chorus, plus I spent most of the night batting this little troll off me who was constantly up on this.

So why even bother going? Cause all of that, is better than a night in by myself. Plus I like to complain. Anyway, hopefully I'll get a good blog topic here soon.

A Burning Question.

"...where they burn books, they will ultimately burn people also."

-Heinrich Heine

In case you live under a rock, there's a church in Florida that is planning to protest... I don't even know what to be honest, but the protest is in the form of a book burning of the Qur'an. The way the Pastor at this church looks you'd think they were also doing rattlesnake worship, but that's unconfirmed. All kinds of people are getting involved in saying that this is a terrible idea, including the President, Fox, the Associated Press, leaders of both parties in the House and Senate, the State Department, Interpol, Muslims and General David Patraeus, who sees this as having the potential to inflame anger towards American soldiers overseas.

I guess my question then is... when in the history of man has a book burning been viewed as a good idea? I looked into it, and let me tell you, there wasn't a single book burning that I would get down with in History. The only one I was remotely okay with, was the burning of child pornography, except, I don't really get how that works, seeing as its a crime to possess child pornography, whether you're burning it or not. 

Did this pastor ever read Fahrenheit 451? (This may be a good time to add how terrible our education has become.) Wouldn't it be wiser to have your congregation READ the Qur'an, rather than destroy it? Isn't Bradbury's point that we shouldn't numb ourselves with what mass media tells us, but inform ourselves with direct contact of the things that we claim to believe or value. What if they spent 3 hours on September 11, not burning the books, but finding passages from them that the terrorists and radicals are not emulating? What if they spent 3 hours finding what these two faiths have in common rather than widening the gap and increasing the centuries old hatred between them? 

A book burning? Really? Its not even that good of a demonstration; its the protest equivalent to camping overnight in your own backyard, it doesn't really need any prep, marching or guts (assuming you got permission from the local fire department). It doesn't even require a lot of supporters, just a lot of books. I can name a few things I'd like to see burned instead. How about prejudice, intolerance,  bigotry, ignorance and apathy towards the thousands of social/natural/medical injustices happening around the world.

Or, I guess you can be a church that burns perfectly good paper, by the way, Heinrich Heine's books were burned a hundred years after he wrote them... by the Nazi Party.

1950-1959.

This was a cool car.

This was a cool guy.

This was politics.

This was the first thing in space.

This was In-n-Out

The start of the Cold War, The Beatles and the CIA. Elvis was actually the King. The decolonization of Africa was catching on. The suburbs became a thing. There was abundant opportunity for those looking for work and school. My mom and dad were born. Sock hops. Greasers. Poodle skirts. Skinny ties. Some other stuff...

I'm just saying... the 50s are cool.

An Open Letter.

Dear Girls,

Enough is really enough. In all my years as a boy, I have never felt so duped, so often. You are perpetrating a fraud and I think you know it. These giant, bug-eyed sunglasses have to stop. Its a well known fact that most people have a more attractive bottom-face than a top-face. The chin and mouth are pretty basic, (lets leave the teeth out of this, that's a whole other thing) and if judging based purely on bottom-face, most people would pass... which is exactly what you are forcing us to do.

This is about the point where most of you are going to get mad, because (gasp) I find some people more attractive than others. I would like to remind you, that your worth is not found in your looks, and that my opinion has never really counted for much of anything anyway, so away we go.

There have been times, when I have spotted you, sunglasses up, and I liked what I saw. Then... you took them off, and something was not right (for me, I'm sure someone else will find you to be... you know... whatever) and my little heart sank. (This might be a good time to mention that I was never going to talk to you, or approach you anyway, since you all scare me) But, what you were selling with those ridiculous sunglasses on, was fraudulent. Your top-face, behind those monster glasses, was not in tune with what the bottom-face was prepping me for.

So I urge you, take them off, guard your eyes another way, don't force me to guess any longer about what might be waiting behind all that unnecessary eye protection. Let your beautiful (again, to someone for sure, at least God, maybe not me, but certainly to someone/thing/deity) top-faces shine through. I can not have my love at first sight until I can see your whole, make-up plastered, true face. The sunglasses must go.

Sincerely.
Michael

PS. Case in point: Clark Kent.

A Thing I Like, And A Thing I Don't.

I like that my Father makes me a birthday cake. Every year since I can remember, my Dad has made a birthday cake for my birthday. We don’t do candles, and all that singing nonsense, but he makes a cake, and then we both have more than is healthy, he covers it in foil and it sits on the counter for a week while we slowly plow away at it.

Sometime this weekend, there will be no more cake; that is when my mom will want her first piece of cake. Since the cake is gone, that is when she will tell us that she can’t believe that we ate that whole cake and that she never even got a bite. We will both look at her sheepishly, and chuckle. She will march down the hall back to her room mumbling something, and that’s how I know my birthday is over.

I don’t like hunting. Before we go any further, I should mention that I have never been hunting. I don’t think that invalidates my dislike, because I strongly believe that I don’t have to pull a trigger and watch a beautiful deer’s head explode to know that I don’t like it.

I don’t really get the motivation behind wanting to kill some unsuspecting and innocent creature with a highly developed piece of weaponry. It’s not even that challenging. You go to a place that is designated for hunting, presumably well stocked with prey. You spray some deer pee to attract them, then you wait around until it walks by, you shoot it with a rifle that’s been perfected over a few centuries, give high-fives all around, and call it a brilliant day of manliness. I don’t know, but doing something a caveman could do with sticks and rocks doesn’t really make you manly… it makes you less capable than a caveman.

5 TV and Movie Charcters I Want To Be... With.

Summer Roberts

If only it were as easy as one grand romantic gesture to score the likes of Summer Roberts, the way Seth Cohen managed to do. She is completely self-absorbed, but by God, she is amazing. Her fictionally being with the school dork gave us all real hope. I guess I haven't let go of it yet.

Eliza Doolittle

Dirty, street rat, cockney, flower hawking Eliza, not good. Rex Harrison reformed Eliza, really great. She kept her spunk and got some class, couldn't ask for much more. Plus, lets be honest, anyone who can make Rex go weak in the knees, is going to be out of my league.

Belle

She reads, she sings, she dances, shes French, she breaks enchantments with her love. Come on...

Liz Lemon

Smart and funny are the best, just the best. A day with her would be endlessly amusing, her friends are pretty awesome, and frankly, I find her weird food obsessions to be endearing (not that I would ever eat a cheesy blaster). I suppose I could live with the Palin resemblance, as long as I don't have to shoot a wolf from a helicopter.

Any Character She Has Ever Been

Wedding Crashers, check. Red Eye, check. Family Stone, check. State of Play, check. The Time Travelers Wife, check. The Notebook, check. Besides being drop dead gorgeous, they all are smart, strong-willed, fun-loving, ohh and gorgeous. I hope that's her type-cast, cause they will get my ten bucks every time.