Mindless Holiday Cheer.

I've played my Branches CD way too much. It is endless enjoyment for me, so I don't regret playing it so much, but I was driving home last night and decided to turn it down. I had gone to see the Christmas lights display on a certain block of homes and Jingle Bells was all up in my head. So I turned down Branches and turned up Michael. It was maybe the best rendition of an a capella Jingle Bells you'll never hear. (Fact.) So I'm belting it out, holiday cheer bursting my car at the seams. (I only know about 4 lines of the son,g so it got pretty repetitive.) When, in a moment of mindless singing... I used my mind.

I have never, ever, ridden in a "one horse open sleigh". I have no idea, none what so ever, how fun that is. I had been singing it for like 5 minutes, including the joyous "HEY!" at the end. What a stupid song. I think the closest I have come is maybe a trolley? Like a Christmasy trolley ride, which is far to smooth for the jingly bells anyway.

Also. When it was snowy and your carriage was unable to traverse the snow, did everyone have a sleigh they could hook up? Was it ever a common enough experience that a whole song should have been written about the joys of it? It really just sounds like its cold, slow and probably dangerous. Plus, the only sleigh I have ever even seen is Santa's, and besides being fake, it doesnt even go on the snow, it flies. (And its not pulled by one horse, but by nine reindeer.) I'm making a pact right now, I will not sing Jingle Bells again until I know what I'm singing about.

Salonology.

I recently spent a day in Beverly Hills, 90210, with my mother and my aunt. I wasn't there for me. I spent most of that time in the Joseph Martin hair salon. What a world that is. I wasn't feeling super great that morning (Ya. 9am. No breakfast. Hair fumes and facelifts everywhere.) First, let me just say, I don't like sitting in a hair salon with nothing to do. The people watching is great, don't get me wrong. Its the mirrors I can't stand. I spent a good 2 hours looking at myself in every direction. I noticed my left profile is much more flattering for my face. (Actually, I noticed that my right side wasn't, I'm a glass half empty kind of guy I guess.) Once I got over seeing myself in the mirrors, I realized that they could be used in the fine art of people watching to great effect. I was listening to the conversation next to me while watching the people in front of me and the people on the street behind me. CIA application incoming.

My mom made mention that the big salon guy in this particular salon is none other than Emmy-nominated host of the Style network's Peter Perfect program, Peter Ishkhans. (Yea, I had no idea who that was either.) However, wikipedia-ing a person standing right in front of you, then going through their google images was a highlight of that morning. I say "a" highlight, because the other was trying to take a picture of him with my phone without him knowing...

Welcome Peter. You should have won that Emmy. You were robbed. (It was only a daytime Emmy.)

The other thing I noticed about a hair salon, is that much like a doctor's waiting room, where you wonder what everyone has; the first place you look is instantly at their hair. And even worse, by about 30 minutes in, I had an opinion about every person's hair. One lady came in with a pixie style, short cut (think Emma Watson, I know I was) and left looking exactly the same. She spent a good hour there. I don't know what she did, but I know that I didn't like it coming in and I didn't like it coming out. My least favorite lady, had long, frizzy brown hair down to her lower back with blonde streaks in it. She was probably 60. (She was probably 50, but she looked 60.) I think I was most bothered by the fact that she was at a fancy hair salon, where presumably the options are endless and she could shave years off her look, and she chose to look like she did. I know this, because she was there getting her blonde streaks re-done. Terrible. I also got one of her. The heater she is under, I found out, was a Halo-Heater. It rotated around her for like 30 minutes. I still haven't figured out how that is better or necessary.

She was also really mean to the ladies that clean and sweep up, that's probably why I didn't mind not liking her very much. (That and the hair.) So go. Sit in a place you would never be normally. Watch. Learn. Study. It was not the worst. You may even run into a losing daytime Emmy nominated cable TV host while you're there.

Blogging Is Hard Redux.

The thing about blogging is, (at least for me) that I need a solid topic that actually interests me. Most of these topics hit me during the course of the day. Either from media, friends and family or (and most commonly) from my being genuinely upset about something. I don't blog personal stuff, so any life drama that may occur is not up for public consumption. But I thought, maybe I'll do a blog on the blogs that didn't make the cut. So here now, snippets of blog topics that were not up to par.

Gum v. Mints. I don't get gum. Its sticky. It loses flavor and becomes some weird gooey thing that sits in your mouth for far too long. It shows up in pictures when you smile. It has never been a successful part of any spoken communication. It itself causes people to abandon all chewing etiquette (which, if I may say, few people actually have). Eat a mint. Please.

My Beard. First off, its not a beard. But I decided against the first words of this paragraph being: "The Hair Growing Out Of My Face". For anyone who has, or will, see this, I know. I know what it looks like. If I am anything, I am self-aware (to a fault). My intentions are not to look good (as if) or bad. They are merely to see what happens. I'm considering putting a soft cap of January 1st, just to see what another month will do. It has not been easy. Its red, black, blonde and brown (I just realized while typing that, that my facial hair is a calico cat). Its not flattering, but incredibly interesting (at least to me, not so much for an entire blog).

Trout Clubbing. Sarah Palin did something I'm okay with. She beat a trout to death with a club then put it on national television. I get the hypocrisy. I won't shoot a dear but I'll club a trout? Yes. Fish are ugly. Deer are furry, like cats and dogs. To me, fish just seem like mindless floating... things. Even some "vegetarians" will eat fish. Not that I want to use them as my animal morality gauge. I'm just saying, she isn't all terrible.

Coffee Cool. I don't like coffee. I do like people thinking I'm drinking coffee, like an adult, with so much to do that I have to stay awake. I hold coffee cups with lids that have hot chocolate in them to look cool. I'm a total fraud. Whoever made liquid, warm chocolate should win some sort of medal. I'm going to start a chocolate awards ceremony. Rachel McAdams can host. Just chocolate and Rachel everywhere. If there's a whole Food Network, surely I could get people to watch that once a year.

See. There's a reason these things never get written. Maybe someone will try to build a mosque in the United States again sometime soon, then I'll have something to write about.

Whomping Willow.

Dear Willow Palin,

I read your facebook comment where you replied to the guy dissing your family's new reality show by commenting: "Haha your so gay. I have no idea who you are, But what I've seen pictures of, your disgusting ... My sister has a kid and is still hot." Followed by: "...stfu. Your such a faggot." Plus even more.

Couple things...

First. Willow, when people use words like gay, faggot and retard as derogatory terms, they look like a fool. What you did there, was push a whole group of people further into the shadows. You didn't show any love or compassion, all you did, was not only hate on that guy, but also hate on millions of people around the world whose lives are hard enough without having to face bigotry everyday. Also, gay, lesbian and mentally handicapped people are some of the kindest, joyful and accepting people I know, and they deserve more respect. We should all watch what we say a little closer.

Second. I couldn't help but notice that you used the word "your" multiple times. At first I thought perhaps you didn't know the difference between "your" and "you're". But I see that I am wrong. You do know the difference. I'm sure you were going to write "you're" but you quit halfway through. It runs in the family, and I will not fault you for genetics that are out of your control.

With love,
Michael


Side note to my readers: This is the best blog post title I have ever written. Besides being a perfect reflection of the blog, it also celebrates the opening of the 7th Harry Potter movie tonight. Brilliant. I know.

Hundred Acre Wood

The first thing, in a very long time, that has put a smile on my face for a full 2 minutes that did not feature Rachel McAdams, Harry Potter, any super heroes, any 3D mind blowing, any computer animation.

Just a little Keane and some old friends.



By far the most honest characters ever created. There's a bit of them, in all of us.

Next Season Is A Long Long Time When You've Lost Your Way.

Boy, The Office has really been bad. And I don't just mean this season, I mean for like 3 seasons. For a show, that used to be something I looked forward to every week, to become something I watch to kill time, well, that's a real feat. Obviously it got bad when Jim and Pam went from main characters to supporting cast. I just don't know what they were thinking with the whole marriage and a baby thing. The original version of the office was driven by two main forces. The sexual tension of Tim and Dawn, and the antics of David Brent, that got increasingly more ignorant. The American version could have played with those two things for countless seasons, a la Friends. Ross loves Rachel. Rachel finds out while Ross is in Japan. Rachel waits at the airport for Ross. Ross gets off plane with Julie. Rachel loves Ross. Ross and Rachel love each other. Ross and Rachel take a break. Ross and Rachel breakup. Ross and Rachel love each other at the beach house. Ross and Rachel break up. Ross gets engaged to Emily. Ross says "Rachel" instead of "Emily". Ross and Rachel get drunk married in Vegas. Rachel is pregnant. Ross is the dad. Ross and Rachel and baby live together, but not "together". Last episode, 10 years later, Ross and Rachel love each other.

If The Office folk were running the show, Ross and Rachel would get together in season 3 and Joey and Phoebe would be the main love interests. Although Joey and Phoebe are more likeable characters than Dwight, Andy, Erin and Angela. Besides that, the show has abandoned all sense of reason. It's no longer a show about the daily office grind just amplified for TV. Its a show of 10 characters, none of which could possibly maintain a real job for any amount of time. That's fine if the show started that way, but it didn't, and to reinvent itself into an over-the-top show of absurd happenings has just killed it. Also Pam is the worst now.

Meanwhile, Michael Scott will be leaving and I could care less because the show is terrible. I'll watch Community and Modern Family, thanks.

Aphobia.

I don't have irrational fears. I have very rational fear.

For example:

Sharks don't scare me from ever going into the ocean. If I saw a shark next to me in the ocean, I would freak out. I fear sharks because they deserve my fear. In every fair, head-to-head match up of me versus a shark. I lose.

I don't fear commitment, I fear committing to the wrong thing. I'm fine with commitment, but when we're talking about committing my life to a career... yea, I freak out a little bit.

I don't mind heights. I mind dangling off of things at those heights. I could jump from a plane and enjoy the free fall. Its the 15 minute ride, attached by strings to a giant cloth sheet, that was just thrown out of a backpack, that I mind.

I don't fear snakes or spiders. I fear venom that can kill you.

I don't fear clowns. I fear the people that think its okay to look and act like that. Its not okay clowns. Its weird.

I'll tell you what I love though. Faithful blog readers. Over 1000 hits. Its not going to be made into a movie anytime soon, but I appreciate you reading this nonsense.

A Thing I Like, And A Thing I Don't III.

I like football. I like baseball and basketball and golf too, but they play so much, I lose a lot of interest during the regular seasons. Football is like a 4 month long post season that leads to an uber exciting post post season. I like the injuries, I like underdogs taking down BCS #1s. I like the drama of 1-3 Cowboys and Vikings playing for their lives (not that either will make it to the post season anyway). I like that Boise and TCU are making a case for a national title berth. I love Oregon's hurry-up. Cam Newton's impressiveness. Troy Polamalu's power (and hair). I love rivalries. USC and UCLA. Auburn and Bama. Bowl games and Superbowl commercials. I love it all.

I don't like Halloween. Frankly, I dislike October because of it. I don't like Halloween because I hate dressing up. Thinking of a costume. Putting it together. Actually having to wear it around other people who look equally ridiculous. Its all terrible. Don't even get me started on face paint. But its more than just the day itself. I hate Halloween movies. I hate any talking skeleton. Why does there have to be a horror movie on every channel? Even more importantly, who in the world enjoys these Saw movies? I watched about 2 minutes of one on TV (no less) and had to change the channel because it was so awful. I have no desire, (because I'm a normal, well rounded human being) to see a guy, have to take a shotgun to the face, while trying to retrieve a key, to stop another guy, who apparently killed his kid, from being twisted to death. Thanks, not interested. I can't wait for it all to be over so Christmas Vacation can be on 8 times a day.

Right Is Wrong.

Remember when Tyra Banks put on a fat suit to feel what it is like to be overweight? I think we should give Bill O'Reilly a deep tan and a turban and let him walk around Fox News. What an idiot. When "Christians" blow up abortion clinics, I tend to think they aren't actually Christians at all. Can these dummies give Muslims the same break? Doubt it. Easier to spread hate. Bill said on his show later, that he didn't see anything wrong with what he said, and that he is "losing patience with the political correctness." News flash Bill, it isn't political correctness that would have one be specific about who are murderers and who aren't, it's common sense. It's hard to not look good on The View, really hard. Those ladies are nuts.

Also, remember the guy Dick Cheney shot? He's in the news today. Turns out he has all kinds of buck shot still in his body, including near his heart and in his throat. Plus, it was worse then ever revealed, he had a lung collapse and a mild heart attack. When asked if Cheney apologized, he had no comment. Are you kidding me? Dick Cheney is the worst person, just awful, terrible. He shot a guy in his late 70's in the face with a shotgun and didn't apologize? Who does that? I swear, the Devil is in his chest, beating his heart for him, cause God has tried multiple times to finish him off. I will say this about him though, he definitely lives up to his name...

I Should Be Ashamed...?

In the course of one's life, there are certain movies that a person would almost certainly see. Some are generational, making them popular among a particular age group, but fade over time. But, there exists a certain list of movies that defy generations. They are lasting and memorable. They are the movies that people gasp when you say you have never seen them.

So I present to you, three movies I have never seen. What I think they are about, and what I have replaced them with.

Growing up in the 90s and never seeing this is a feat unlike any other. Its the biggest, most talked about, most widely seen movie of my lifetime. From what I know about the plot, two people go on the infamous ship, he's poor, she's rich, it crashes, he dies. Not sure why that has to take 3+ hours, but its still lacking in appeal to me. I'd rather watch Terminator 2.

My 1990s epic movie replacement: Braveheart

I know more about Frank Capra than I do about It's A Wonderful Life. I like Jimmy Stewart, I like Christmas, I like feel good, but I have never seen this. And, unlike Titanic, which at this point, I have seen many select scenes over the years, I really know nothing about the plot of Wonderful Life. I know there's a run on banks. I know there's a little girl saying something about angels or fairies? I know it's a Christmas classic. I don't know how I have missed this piece of Americana.

My Christmas replacement: A Muppets Christmas Carol

Until right now, looking at the poster, I didn't even realize Christopher Plummer was in The Sound Of Music. Of the three movies, this is the one I know the least about, it's also the only one I've ever been interested in seeing. From what I understand there's Nazis and singing children and Julie Andrews? Is she a nanny again? I don't even know why she's in... Germany? Belgium? Austria? It's definitely one of those. I also understand the hills are alive with the sound of music. So I guess its a movie about singing hill monsters? I kid.

My musical replacement: My Fair Lady

A Voice For The Voiceless.

Jerry Brown called Meg Whitman a whore. First, let me say, I'm shocked! I mean, I really thought these two were pals. That Jerry Brown is such a backstabber. I bet they'll never be friends again. Secondly, can all those fanatical, right-wing, nut jobs cool their jets for a bit? He wasn't saying she sexually exploits herself for pay, he was saying she exploits her ever-changing positions for endorsements, it just all happens to fall under "whore". Sell outs, deceivers and whores all screw people over (pun intended), so Mr. Brown is not totally off base on this one, assuming the allegations are true.

But, that's not what I wanted to talk about. See Assemblywoman Audra Strickland (R-37th District) came out yesterday and held a press conference in which she mentioned a couple things. She hit all the Whitman campaign talking points, but that's boring and meaningless so we'll skip over it. She went on to talk about how terrible it is to be called a "whore" and that Meg Whitman "is not a whore" which we already determined she is, in a sense. And then she called on Jerry Brown to apologize to all the women of California for offending womankind. That's where I have my problem.

I think Audra Strickland should apologize to all the whores of California for suggesting that it is an insult to be called a whore. As if its more honorable to be a member of the California State Assembly. I know whores who are more responsible with their money and who work a lot harder than the state legislature that has run California into the ground. I think Meg Whitman should roll with being called an alleged whore rather than being called a definite panderer and liar who is trying to buy a Governorship. While we're at it, Jerry Brown should apologize to whores also, I'm sure they wouldn't want to be lumped in with the likes of Meg Whitman. Most whores won't even say whatever they can to get a job.

So I call on both campaigns and Assemblypuppet Strickland to apologize to the hard working whores of California. The last people that should ever point fingers and degrade others are money-grabbing, blood-sucking politicians.

Paircipitation.

On a rainy day, I suggest, that there is nothing better than Simon and Garfunkel. Their smooth and dreary sound is simply unmatched for gray dank days. But Simon and Garfunkel are so much more. There is perhaps an argument that they are the greatest musical duo of all time. I will not go that far, but im willing to put them in my top 3.

I dare say that the all time best musical pairing is John Lennon and Paul McCartney. The Beatles are just good. And ridiculously iconic. And continue to influence music to this day. Also, Paul still puts on a good show for an old guy, John not so much. When I did a search for this picture, I searched for "John and Paul" and I got as many Lennon-McCartney pictures as I got Pope John Paul pictures. Excellent.

Justin Timberlake and Timbaland have generated the slickest beats of our generation. These guys are so good at what they do. Some of you are laughing about now, but I dare you to put in Futuresex/Lovesounds and then turn it off for A Bridge Over Troubled Waters. You won't. Plus Justin Timberlake showing up on SNL is the only reason to watch SNL for the last 5 years. He's the best cast member on that show, and he isn't a cast member.

A Thing I Like, And A Thing I Don't II.

I very much like Emma Stone. She is quickly moving up the depth charts. Its as if God saw Lindsay Lohan's collapse and gave us a replacement. They are both fairly average girls. That is to say, they aren't super models (although Lindsay ended up with the drug habit of one). They have a girl-next-door (not the gross Playboy ones) kind of look and feel. Only, Emma is choosing great roles. I'm not a Superbad super fan, but she was good in it. Zombieland was fun. She really stole the show on that one. I expected Woody Harrelson to be the same character he's been for the last twenty years, and I expected Jesse Eisenberg to be Michael Cera, but Emma Stone was really wonderful. She's also suppose to be in the new Spider-Man movie. So, good luck to you Emma Stone. Stay clean.

I don't like urinals without guards between them. First, let me just say, that it is completely crazy to not have urinal guards in every bathroom in the world. There is no way it is that expensive to screw a board into the wall 3 or 4 times. It is completely inexcusable. I wear sandals. I don't need another man's pee on my bare feet. Maybe if my foot was attacked by a jellyfish before entering the bathroom I would be more welcoming to the idea of getting urinated on, but seeing how that has yet to happen, I'm going to throw my support behind urinal guards. And, let us not forget those men out there that choose to pee with their hands in their back pockets while they lean back and whistle. I don't need to have your... hanging chad, in my peripheral, thanks though.

Me and Adam Sitting In A Tree, W-I-S-H-I-N-G.

  “This disposition to admire, and almost worship, the rich and the powerful, and to despise, or, at least, to neglect, persons of poor and mean condition, though necessary both to establish and to maintain the distinction of ranks and the order of society, is, at the same time, the great and most universal cause of the corruption of our moral sentiments.”

-Adam Smith, The Theory Moral Sentiments 

There's a bit of a debate going on these days regarding the extension, or lack thereof, of the Bush era tax cuts for the wealthy. Proponents of extending the tax cuts will say, that taxes for the wealthy are too high already. That the wealthy will spend the money, (you know, on Japanese TVs and European vacations) which helps put people to work and stimulates the economy (just not ours). Those who are not wealthy, would save the money or spend it paying down debt, (you know, that thing that keeps banks rolling in dough) or if they must, on feeding babies. Extending tax cuts for the people that were just bailed out with tax dollars seems insane to me, but it got me thinking once again on the bigger idea of capitalism and American society.

My problem with capitalism is the same problem Adam Smith had in 1759. Capitalism requires that some are rich and some are poor. It functions on the fact that there is a top and bottom. Not everyone can be a millionaire, and if we were, I would hate to see how the rest of the world was coping with that. Capitalism actually makes the "American Dream" impossible for some, that's disappointing, but not my point. 250 years ago, Adam Smith, a father of capitalism and a name in every school history book ever written, acknowledged that the rich are responsible for the lively hood of every person living in capitalist society. He wrote:

“Every individual is continually exerting himself to find out the most advantageous employment for whatever capital he can command. It is his own advantage, indeed, and not that of society, which he has in view. But the study of his own advantage naturally, or rather necessarily, leads him to prefer that employment which is most advantageous to the society.” 
(Wealth of Nations)

and

 “How selfish soever man may be supposed, there are evidently some principles in his nature, which interest him in the fortunes of others, and render their happiness necessary to him, though he derives nothing from it, except the pleasure of seeing it" (The Theory of Moral Sentiments)

See, Adam Smith believed in man. He believed that the wealthy would give of themselves, because a healthy and happy society would benefit them. The truth is that the wealthy lock themselves up in extravagant homes and communities, they disconnect themselves from the realities around them and create their own society. They compete with one another to have the biggest home, the most ridiculous car and to throw the most absurd party. They act charitable, as if a movie star giving away money to Haiti then showing up on "Cribs" the next day with a pure gold toilet and three Ferraris is really all that impressive. I think perhaps the idea in that final Smith quote is quickly fading.

Capitalism is the best system we have come up with, I can't dispute that. It has immense potential for good. There is so much wealth coming from the free markets. But there is a huge gap. How can it be, in 2010, that not every person on the face of the planet has access to running water, roads and free education? I recently saw a news story regarding $800,000 of stimulus money going towards a UCLA research grant with the ultimate goal of educating African men on how to wash their genitals after sex, to avoid spreading disease. Most of the commentary on this article I have seen, is criticizing the use of tax dollars for such a purpose. When I read that, I couldn't believe we are developing 3D TVs, yet in Africa, they are struggling to learn how to wash themselves to avoid the spread of disease. I guess subsidizing the corn industry (you know, cause there's not much market for corn, seeing how its only in everything you eat and giving us all coronary artery disease at the age of 8) is a better use of tax dollars.

Capitalism is failing the least and the marginalized. Adam Smith sure had it right, wealth is the "great and most universal cause of the corruption of our moral sentiments." Tax cuts for the wealthy? How about we take that money and start an "Educating The Wealthy" grant to teach them how to be human again. Although, maybe the real lesson is, that if you are reading this, you are the world's wealthy, and we should all be a little ashamed.

What's Your Status?

Here's the thing. Some of you have a knack for terrible Facebook status updates. In order to hopefully save you, but more importantly, me, from these updates. I have provided a guide, by which all Facebook posts should adhere.

1. Links are acceptable. If you find something from another website interesting, chances are one of your actual friends will think so also, and your link will fascinate another person. Which is really the whole point after all.

2. Quoting yourself is bad. The moment you quote yourself, the first thing anyone thinks is, "That's a little bit self-absorbed." If you were funny the night before, let it be for that place, in that time, with those people. We weren't there, its not as funny, and you come across as a bit of a narcissist.

3. Stop. Stop with the vague references to bad days, sick people and all things seemingly soaked in depression but without explanation. I know you're fishing for someone to ask, we all know you're fishing for someone to ask... except for that person who asked.

4. Don't ask about someones vague references to bad days, sick people and all things seemingly soaked in depression but without explanation on their status updates.

5. If you give a rundown of your day (try not to) and its more than two sentences, we get that you're probably tired and going to bed. Everyone who has ever done three or more sentences worth of information in one day is always tired and going to bed. At this point in social networking, you can leave that bit out.

6. We on Facebook like pictures. Post them. Tag people though. We like to explore pages of people we have never met. The moment Facebook lets you track who visited your page is the moment Facebook dies. Anonymity is the only thing keeping the internet alive.

7. Shouldn't even need to be said, but if you play a Facebook game religiously, we have no respect for you as a Facebook user. You demean the purpose and annoy those of us that would prefer to never know about your fake crops.

If these guidelines are followed, there's a good chance people won't hide you and forget you exist. When we're trying to be social, alone in our bedrooms, these things can become quite a hindrance to us.

The Name Game.

Its full swing into the Meramble birthday season. We hit all 4 of our birthdays between August 16 and October 30. At dinner for my Dad's birthday last night, my brother had mentioned baby names that would most certainly be vetoed by whoever decides to make an honest man out of him. (Godspeed Wrench.) I don't remember the full list, but one of the names was Hendrix, which is kind of okay. Although he did name a short lived (it didn't die, just found a new home) puppy, Hendrix, a few years back, so that does take away from the name a little bit.

No offense to my parents, but my name is as bland as white rice. (It should be noted that I could not think of a cliched bland thing, so I asked my mom, shes still in her room coming up with ideas, I went with the rice. I also maybe forgot to mention what I was calling bland. Thanks Mom.) Michael John is just about as popular now, as it was when the Roman's controlled the world. It really doesn't have much flare to it, and you probably know half a dozen people with my name, if not more. Freshman year of High School, they had the brilliant idea to organize locker assignments by first name. I was in the middle of about four Michaels on each side of me. It was not okay.

Anyway, this got me thinking about what I would name my children. Some of you are laughing at the thought of me with children, I am too. But eventually, someday, these names will go to my offspring. It will be understood to the woman who marries me, (again, with the laughter) that she will have all kinds of free reign on our lives, except with this. They are:

Berkley - For a girl. The idea that my daughter will be called Berk is pretty great. Nobody has ever liked this name, ever. I think the best I got was, "It sounds like a dogs name." The dog in You've Got Mail is Brinkley. Whatever. I'm sticking with it.

Wyatt - For a boy, maybe a girl. Its a cool dudes name. For a girl, it kind of works, right? Maybe not. Either way I think I need to go a little more cowboy for it to work, something I'm not opposed too. Cowboy boots are uncomfortable, maybe I'll just get a horse or something.

Emma - For a girl. The name exudes class. Just a lovely, classy lady. This girl respects her father.

Jack - For a boy. Baby Jack is really something. Adult Jack, I'm still a little iffy on. I'll be dead by then, so what do I care anyway.

I would never have more than two kids, so I see no reason to continue on. Unless three people with these names commit terrible war crimes in the next couple decades, I should be fine.

I Guess I Do After All.

I have hit a road block. I have nothing to say right now, nothing to complain about. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have plenty to complain about, just not stuff I want to air out on a blog. Plus, I'm not looking for a pity party. Anyone that knows me would know pretty quick that partying isn't exactly my strongest attribute, so those of the pity variety are equally repulsive.

On that note, why must we always party? I hit this age where everything has to be party. Being sober and having to talk to drunk people is the worst. Just the worst. They get far too close for comfort, because they are suddenly freed from their natural impulse to not touch people. They don't smell good, something that is amplified by their proximity to me. Beer doesn't smell good to begin with, add that to snack breath (and for some people, their regular breath) and its just terrible. The conversation itself is too loud, because they have lost their ability to control volume, not only on themselves but also on the stereo, which has slowly risen as the night progressed.

They always ask why I'm not drinking, when a quick look in the mirror could answer that question without me ever having to be involved. However, I do enjoy that I can almost say anything to them and they will forget it immediately or not get it to begin with, a small pleasure in an otherwise unbearable situation.

Its not just parties with alcohol, you can ask any of my 3 dates in 3 years to the high school dance, I was not the guy you take to an event when the whole purpose was dancing. I went to a club once, a combination of excessive drinking and dancing. It was fun for the most part, my issue was that I don't listen to Top 40, so it was hard to fit in with the crowd when I had no idea I was suppose to throw my hands up and yell out the chorus, plus I spent most of the night batting this little troll off me who was constantly up on this.

So why even bother going? Cause all of that, is better than a night in by myself. Plus I like to complain. Anyway, hopefully I'll get a good blog topic here soon.

A Burning Question.

"...where they burn books, they will ultimately burn people also."

-Heinrich Heine

In case you live under a rock, there's a church in Florida that is planning to protest... I don't even know what to be honest, but the protest is in the form of a book burning of the Qur'an. The way the Pastor at this church looks you'd think they were also doing rattlesnake worship, but that's unconfirmed. All kinds of people are getting involved in saying that this is a terrible idea, including the President, Fox, the Associated Press, leaders of both parties in the House and Senate, the State Department, Interpol, Muslims and General David Patraeus, who sees this as having the potential to inflame anger towards American soldiers overseas.

I guess my question then is... when in the history of man has a book burning been viewed as a good idea? I looked into it, and let me tell you, there wasn't a single book burning that I would get down with in History. The only one I was remotely okay with, was the burning of child pornography, except, I don't really get how that works, seeing as its a crime to possess child pornography, whether you're burning it or not. 

Did this pastor ever read Fahrenheit 451? (This may be a good time to add how terrible our education has become.) Wouldn't it be wiser to have your congregation READ the Qur'an, rather than destroy it? Isn't Bradbury's point that we shouldn't numb ourselves with what mass media tells us, but inform ourselves with direct contact of the things that we claim to believe or value. What if they spent 3 hours on September 11, not burning the books, but finding passages from them that the terrorists and radicals are not emulating? What if they spent 3 hours finding what these two faiths have in common rather than widening the gap and increasing the centuries old hatred between them? 

A book burning? Really? Its not even that good of a demonstration; its the protest equivalent to camping overnight in your own backyard, it doesn't really need any prep, marching or guts (assuming you got permission from the local fire department). It doesn't even require a lot of supporters, just a lot of books. I can name a few things I'd like to see burned instead. How about prejudice, intolerance,  bigotry, ignorance and apathy towards the thousands of social/natural/medical injustices happening around the world.

Or, I guess you can be a church that burns perfectly good paper, by the way, Heinrich Heine's books were burned a hundred years after he wrote them... by the Nazi Party.

1950-1959.

This was a cool car.

This was a cool guy.

This was politics.

This was the first thing in space.

This was In-n-Out

The start of the Cold War, The Beatles and the CIA. Elvis was actually the King. The decolonization of Africa was catching on. The suburbs became a thing. There was abundant opportunity for those looking for work and school. My mom and dad were born. Sock hops. Greasers. Poodle skirts. Skinny ties. Some other stuff...

I'm just saying... the 50s are cool.

An Open Letter.

Dear Girls,

Enough is really enough. In all my years as a boy, I have never felt so duped, so often. You are perpetrating a fraud and I think you know it. These giant, bug-eyed sunglasses have to stop. Its a well known fact that most people have a more attractive bottom-face than a top-face. The chin and mouth are pretty basic, (lets leave the teeth out of this, that's a whole other thing) and if judging based purely on bottom-face, most people would pass... which is exactly what you are forcing us to do.

This is about the point where most of you are going to get mad, because (gasp) I find some people more attractive than others. I would like to remind you, that your worth is not found in your looks, and that my opinion has never really counted for much of anything anyway, so away we go.

There have been times, when I have spotted you, sunglasses up, and I liked what I saw. Then... you took them off, and something was not right (for me, I'm sure someone else will find you to be... you know... whatever) and my little heart sank. (This might be a good time to mention that I was never going to talk to you, or approach you anyway, since you all scare me) But, what you were selling with those ridiculous sunglasses on, was fraudulent. Your top-face, behind those monster glasses, was not in tune with what the bottom-face was prepping me for.

So I urge you, take them off, guard your eyes another way, don't force me to guess any longer about what might be waiting behind all that unnecessary eye protection. Let your beautiful (again, to someone for sure, at least God, maybe not me, but certainly to someone/thing/deity) top-faces shine through. I can not have my love at first sight until I can see your whole, make-up plastered, true face. The sunglasses must go.

Sincerely.
Michael

PS. Case in point: Clark Kent.

A Thing I Like, And A Thing I Don't.

I like that my Father makes me a birthday cake. Every year since I can remember, my Dad has made a birthday cake for my birthday. We don’t do candles, and all that singing nonsense, but he makes a cake, and then we both have more than is healthy, he covers it in foil and it sits on the counter for a week while we slowly plow away at it.

Sometime this weekend, there will be no more cake; that is when my mom will want her first piece of cake. Since the cake is gone, that is when she will tell us that she can’t believe that we ate that whole cake and that she never even got a bite. We will both look at her sheepishly, and chuckle. She will march down the hall back to her room mumbling something, and that’s how I know my birthday is over.

I don’t like hunting. Before we go any further, I should mention that I have never been hunting. I don’t think that invalidates my dislike, because I strongly believe that I don’t have to pull a trigger and watch a beautiful deer’s head explode to know that I don’t like it.

I don’t really get the motivation behind wanting to kill some unsuspecting and innocent creature with a highly developed piece of weaponry. It’s not even that challenging. You go to a place that is designated for hunting, presumably well stocked with prey. You spray some deer pee to attract them, then you wait around until it walks by, you shoot it with a rifle that’s been perfected over a few centuries, give high-fives all around, and call it a brilliant day of manliness. I don’t know, but doing something a caveman could do with sticks and rocks doesn’t really make you manly… it makes you less capable than a caveman.

5 TV and Movie Charcters I Want To Be... With.

Summer Roberts

If only it were as easy as one grand romantic gesture to score the likes of Summer Roberts, the way Seth Cohen managed to do. She is completely self-absorbed, but by God, she is amazing. Her fictionally being with the school dork gave us all real hope. I guess I haven't let go of it yet.

Eliza Doolittle

Dirty, street rat, cockney, flower hawking Eliza, not good. Rex Harrison reformed Eliza, really great. She kept her spunk and got some class, couldn't ask for much more. Plus, lets be honest, anyone who can make Rex go weak in the knees, is going to be out of my league.

Belle

She reads, she sings, she dances, shes French, she breaks enchantments with her love. Come on...

Liz Lemon

Smart and funny are the best, just the best. A day with her would be endlessly amusing, her friends are pretty awesome, and frankly, I find her weird food obsessions to be endearing (not that I would ever eat a cheesy blaster). I suppose I could live with the Palin resemblance, as long as I don't have to shoot a wolf from a helicopter.

Any Character She Has Ever Been

Wedding Crashers, check. Red Eye, check. Family Stone, check. State of Play, check. The Time Travelers Wife, check. The Notebook, check. Besides being drop dead gorgeous, they all are smart, strong-willed, fun-loving, ohh and gorgeous. I hope that's her type-cast, cause they will get my ten bucks every time.

Politics, Aside.

Obviously, this blog is intended for simple musings and lighthearted fun. I don't want to make political statements that would divide people and take sides. I'm not trying to upset anyone, or degrade their views and beliefs, and I would certainly hate if someone didn't read all the other nonsense I am likely to post, just because I don't share their political ideology.

It is because of that, that I wouldn't want to say... that a Burlington Coat Factory, two blocks away from Ground Zero, is hardly hallowed ground.

I wouldn't want to say... claiming that building an Islamic Cultural Center two blocks away from Ground Zero would empower the terrorists, is ridiculous, if only because we have no idea what terrorists are thinking, seeing as we haven't been able to catch them in 9 years.

I wouldn't want to say... that there are plans to build a pool in the Islamic Cultural Center, clearly not for families and children to enjoy each others company in a safe place, but obviously so that terrorist can train at the pool facility in preparation for their amphibious assault on the United States.

I wouldn't want to point out... that Laura Ingraham had no problem with the Mosque building back in December 2009, of course I understand that she doesn't speak solely for the Right... she also speaks for President Obama.

I wouldn't want to mention... that we are full swing into campaign season and support for a "Ground Zero Mosque" doesn't look so good when spewing out of the mouths of fear mongering political commentators.

I wouldn't want to show you this... because you might actually see the massive hypocrisy that exists in the "fair and balanced" news.

I wouldn't want to point out... that 18% of Americans now believe President Obama is Muslim and 30% believe he is non-Christian, even though he wrote a pretty good book describing the role of Christian faith in his life. On that point, why would it matter if the President were Muslim? Glenn Beck is a Mormon, lots of people watch him.

I wouldn't want to make insulting remarks like... I guess you can't expect sheep to eat anything other than what you feed them.

I would hate to point out... that you can not claim to want to restore the "original principles of the US Constitution", and attack religious freedom is the same breath. How does a party that claims to be pro-Constitution, misrepresent the first, second, fourth, fifth and sixth amendments to it?

So I won't.

Thats why my next blog is going to be...

"The 5 TV and Movie Characters I Want To Be... With."

5 TV and Movie Charcters I Want To Be.

Indiana Jones

Is there anything cooler than being a Professor, Archeologist and Adventurer? Yes, being all those things while wearing a leather jacket, a fedora (the only fedora that has ever looked good an anyone I'll add) and a whip. He gets to touch the rarest items in the world, but not only touch them, he got to pour water from the Holy Grail into his dying fathers bullet wound, saving his life. Yea. I'm down with that. And, on top of it all, you get to fight Nazis.

Harry Potter

Savior of good. Famous and Infamous. I'm not really a huge fan of being the center of attention, but I'll take it if it means I get to cast ridiculous spells on people. He comes with excellent friends, an amazing mentor, and a life filled with intrigue. Plus hanging out with Hermione Granger would be good for my cred.

Josiah Bartlet

I don't think I will ever lose interest in working in DC or, even better, in the White House. So naturally, being President would fulfill those desires. But, Jed Bartlet is so much more than a President. He is a Nobel Prize winner in Economics, a father, a husband, an MS sufferer... well, that blows, but it adds to his gravitas. I'm pretty sure he is the best President we never had.

Wall-E

Being a lonely, old, trash compactor doesn't sound awesome. Being a hopeless romantic who gets the girl... brilliant. He wanted something, and he literally went to the ends of the earth to get her. I want to be Wall-E. 

Marty McFly

Find me one person who wouldn't want their best friend to be a crazy, outcast scientist who converts a DeLorean into a time machine, which you accidentally use to travel to the 1950's, while trying to escape the Libyans that are out to kill you for stealing their plutonium. Then using that opportunity to alter the past to change your life for the better. Plus he plays a mean guitar and rides on a hoverboard, just not on water... unless you got power.

Blogging Is Hard.

I cleverly named my blog The Ramble. See, my name is Michael MeRAMBLE, so, its basically meant to be. However, trying to get the blog address I wanted proved to be difficult.

theramble.blogspot.com was taken. Last post: March 29, 2003. Blogger: Susana in Alabama. She loves orange. Total posts: 6. She is fascinated by crime... creeper. That should be my blog, stupid Susana.

ramble.blogspot.com was taken. Last Post: February 3, 2009. FebRUARY is how its pronounced by the way. Try it. Sounds odd. Blogger: Darin Hawley. He posted absolute nonsense. No one cares that you got a new Wii Sensor Bar, Darin. I know this because no one commented, also, its not interesting. Total posts: 16. That should be my blog, dumb Darin.

ramblings.blogspot.com was taken. Last post: November 27, 2000. Blogger: Megan. In November 2000, America still didn't know who the next President was going to be. One of the most historic Presidential election moments ever. What did Megan post?

"alrighty. now i've got this thing working. i sprained my ankle yesterday and my mom wouldn't let me go to school, therefore i have lots of time to work on something like this. entertaining, no?"

No, Megan. Go to school, its just an ankle, its not even broken. Total posts: 1. That should be my blog, misguided Megan.

aramble.blogspot.com was taken. Last post: August 4, 2006. Blogger: Sarah-Marie. Sarah-Marie was traveling through Europe. Thats fairly interesting and acceptable to blog about, and her blog stops after she gets back. Instead of "aramble" maybe you should have gone for "ramblingabroad". Just saying Sarah-Marie, just saying. Or, ever heard of Facebook? Myspace? Total posts: 5. That should be my blog, simple minded Sarah-Marie. 

At this point I decided to go for something less kitschy. 

meramble.blogspot.com was taken. Last post: December 3, 2004. Blogger: Nobody You Care About. He/She titled their blog: Ramblings from me. I should have known better than to think meramble was a sure thing. Its mostly a blog of news articles, apparently in 2004, a law was passed that allowed people to get free credit reports. So I guess all those annoying commercials are congress' fault. Thanks congress. Total Posts: 4. That should be my blog, narcissist Nobody. 

michaelmeramble.blogspot.com was available. Blogging is hard.