What's Your Status?

Here's the thing. Some of you have a knack for terrible Facebook status updates. In order to hopefully save you, but more importantly, me, from these updates. I have provided a guide, by which all Facebook posts should adhere.

1. Links are acceptable. If you find something from another website interesting, chances are one of your actual friends will think so also, and your link will fascinate another person. Which is really the whole point after all.

2. Quoting yourself is bad. The moment you quote yourself, the first thing anyone thinks is, "That's a little bit self-absorbed." If you were funny the night before, let it be for that place, in that time, with those people. We weren't there, its not as funny, and you come across as a bit of a narcissist.

3. Stop. Stop with the vague references to bad days, sick people and all things seemingly soaked in depression but without explanation. I know you're fishing for someone to ask, we all know you're fishing for someone to ask... except for that person who asked.

4. Don't ask about someones vague references to bad days, sick people and all things seemingly soaked in depression but without explanation on their status updates.

5. If you give a rundown of your day (try not to) and its more than two sentences, we get that you're probably tired and going to bed. Everyone who has ever done three or more sentences worth of information in one day is always tired and going to bed. At this point in social networking, you can leave that bit out.

6. We on Facebook like pictures. Post them. Tag people though. We like to explore pages of people we have never met. The moment Facebook lets you track who visited your page is the moment Facebook dies. Anonymity is the only thing keeping the internet alive.

7. Shouldn't even need to be said, but if you play a Facebook game religiously, we have no respect for you as a Facebook user. You demean the purpose and annoy those of us that would prefer to never know about your fake crops.

If these guidelines are followed, there's a good chance people won't hide you and forget you exist. When we're trying to be social, alone in our bedrooms, these things can become quite a hindrance to us.